You’d think, wouldn’t you, that we don’t need to talk about this. In this era, bullying and subjugation are treated more seriously than they’ve ever been. If there is even a whisper of certain minorities being called certain names or going through certain humiliations, it’s treated as bullying, or a hate crime, depending on age, situation, and so on. And there is nothing wrong with this. Our society has evolved in such a way that, if a person of color is called, well, you know what, it should, must, be taken seriously. It has evolved in such a way that when a Jewish girl is knocked to the ground and has her hair yanked and mutilated so classmates can look for “horns,” it’s now treated as the trauma it is. (This happened in another area to Medium contributor Darcy Reeder. She didn’t get justice then, but yes, now it is looked on as trauma and unacceptable).
But when it comes to people with disabilities, especially children…not so much. The overarching narrative becomes, “He/she/they didn’t mean it.”
I remember being totally gobsmacked when I encountered this in these words. I was at my local B&N (shocker)! and had picked up a copy of Wonder, which I hadn’t read yet. I wanted to page through and try to determine if the author was doing a good job of representation before investing. And I came across a passage where, when Auggie reported teasing and bullying due to craniofacial differences, he was basically told, “They didn’t mean it.”
That disgusted me. I stood in the children’s/youth section and recoiled. Why would anyone say this to any child who went through something like that? It was indecent and irresponsible, not to mention it made the kid out to be a whiner, dramatic, a liar, whatever you want to say.
And then I thought, wait a second. Why am I gobsmacked? This happens all the time, and in real life, not fiction. And then I thought, wait a second. Maybe I’m not gobsmacked. Maybe what I am, is empathetic. Maybe I’m having flashback emotions. Because this happened to me, too.
No, it wasn’t that blatant. In fact, on the few occasions I have encountered blatant bullying (that internship aside), people were held accountable for their actions. But there were other times. Times when I said, or even suggested, to my family that inspiration porn was happening and heard, “They do not mean it that way.” Times when other girls, one in particular, would say things like, “I hate you” and then claim to be joking. If I reported it, I was told I was being too sensitive and could not take a joke. If I complained to teachers that classmates were gratuitously swearing and talking about sex in front of me at the lunch table when I asked them not to, I was told I needed to go to mediation with the bully and a counselor, where I was then vilified for “taking everything so personally.” (No, these incidents were not disability-related, as far as I know. But considering Asperger’s wasn’t in my file, nor on anybody’s radar, they could’ve been).
Looking back now, and at other incidents, I wonder why people do that. Why is it okay to say to PWDs, “They didn’t mean it” when those people are bullied, subjugated, or invalidated? Why is it okay when for most other groups, it’s not okay? Why does it continue?
I can think of a few reasons, each more stomach-churning than the last. It may be because:
-PWDs are thought to be more sensitive/dramatic than other people, especially as kids. To go along with that, they really don’t know what teasing or joking is, because they’re allegedly stupid and socially stunted.
-PWDs are “naturally manipulative,” or they are not believed because they have no means of or access to reliable communication. This also makes it criminally easy for the bully to say “They misunderstood” or “But they take everything so personally!”
-Bullying of PWDs is still tacitly accepted because, “Well, they really are different, they really can’t do what we can, they really do make things harder.” Which, by the way, is what freaking NAZI GERMANY said!
-People without disabilities just cannot or will not face up to the fact that YES, there are people out there who do want to harm persons with disabilities. There really are people out there who would, and do, sink that low. But that’s not acceptable to say because, “Why would anyone hurt that sweet, innocent, childlike individual?” It’s also not acceptable because it forces TAB people to admit that yes, they have, they will, they do sink that low. It’s easier to say, “Okay yeah, I said something about Auggie’s face, but I’m not like that!”
Throw the excuses out the window, people. Cut the bull.
Yes, bullying of PWDs happens, and yes, the bullies do mean it. Because if they mean it when they bully a person of color, a Jewish person, heck, a blonde, blue-eyed football player with a college scholarship–why are PWDs exempt? (Well, maybe because it’s just easier to exempt us from everything possible, but come on. What is easy is not always what is right. I’d venture to say it usually isn’t).
Some well-meaning people even make it harder for PWDs to admit this and seek accountability. For instance, if your religion teaches forgiveness–and most do–you may have been encouraged to automatically forgive the bully with no repercussions. Forgiveness is great! And yes, holding on to grudges hurts the hurting person more than the actual perpetrator. But I think we’ve conveniently forgotten a few things.
-Forgiveness is not usually automatic (it can be for small things, but in the case of trauma or ongoing abuse, that doesn’t happen, nor should it)
-“Forgive them, they know not what they do” is the ideal. It’s not the reality, because only God, who can read minds and motives, gets to say that. Yes, some people do get to that point by the grace of God. But reality is, if they know what they do, then action should be taken. Mercy and grace are huge here–I’m not saying every bully should be perpetually denied forgiveness. But it’s about discernment, balance, and what’s best for everybody.
-Forgiveness is too often used as a subtle way to blame the victim, which…just quit it.
-Forgiveness does not mean “no consequences.” It doesn’t mean the bully should be allowed to effectively say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” (in other words, “sorry, not sorry.”) Unless we actually are talking about God, Jesus, whoever, forgiveness is a part of rebuilding, recovery from trauma, repairing a breach.
Now, all this is not a license for PWDs to make a huge stink over every little thing that’s said to them. People who do that give the rest of us a bad name and make it harder for us to deal with real trauma. But for too long, this group, my tribe, has been denied the right to say, “Yes, you did mean it and I want you to take responsibility.” Conversely, we are too often the ones expected to say, “I meant to hurt you, and thus, I will pay restitution however you want. Read, I will happily ignore it when you tease me. I will allow you to swear at me. I will let you treat me as a lesser person, because my sensitivity, my interpretation, hurt you. And because I am the minority, because I always need help, because I should be so grateful for any social inclusion, I was wrong.”
Again, cut the bull. Let’s stop making the ones wronged apologize and grovel. Let’s stop saying “they didn’t mean it.” Instead, let’s get real, use some common sense, and let both sides be held accountable. As in, “Yes, I meant it. I’m sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it right?”
Because making things right is one thing we should all mean to do.
IndependenceChick's Nest 